(2118 quotes found)
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
Mae West
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Winston Churchill
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey
“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
Earl Wilson
“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year”
Victor Borge
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
“Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person.”
François de la Rochefoucauld
“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
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