(2149 quotes found)
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
Mae West
“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
Earl Wilson
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Winston Churchill
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
Oscar Wilde
“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Robert McCloskey
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