(2149 quotes found)
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”
Tommy Cooper
“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.”
Michael Davis
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither”
Drew Carey
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
Groucho Marx
“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
“I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.”
Keith Richards
“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”
George Gobal
“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”
Janeane Garofalo
“Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love”
Woody Allen
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